Blessed
A few years ago I went through some very hard times coming out blind then going back into the closet. I had a guide dog for a while and pray that that blessing will happen again. There are so many things that a guide does for you, companionship, safety, security, inclusion, its amazing. Then my divorce and the transition relationships that followed afterwards had me hiding my disability, again. There are very few people that say its O.K. your blind and genuinely mean it. My love partners historically have been a very negative source of support for being disabled. You are nothing without me, you can’t do anything without me, you need to fit in more so you can’t be blind and so on were common threads. I regret letting a partner tell me that the guide dog regiment was cruel it isn’t it wasn’t. My guide did have serious health issues unfortunately and was a bit of a food pig, like me I suppose, he was almost retired for his bad manners around food an allergies while he and I were in training. I in retrospect should have let him go. I can’t tell you the profound miracle that a guide is.
A few years ago in a transitional post divorce relationship I for some reason wasn’t using my white cane on a dark rainy night. I broke my ankle again. My lying, hiding my disability has cost me a lot. I have sprained or broken my ankles at least a dozen times each. I felt fortunate at the time to have a good surgeon who rebuilt my ankle. The hardware that remained after surgery has been to say the least debilitating. Three shots into my spine and a ton of pain medication and impacts on my life and my ability to live have been dreadfully limiting. Thursday I had the hardware removed from my ankle and miracle of miracles my pain is gone, totally. I have some tending to do to my surgical wound and thankfully my wife has been more than helpful. She’s taken some pictures so I can see what it looks like. I’ll need to magnify the images on my monitor, i’m not convinced I want to see the new gash in my ankle. Otherwise the surgery was amazing, more than a total success. I haven’t taken any pain medications post operation, none. I’m reducing or eliminating the medications I’ve been on for years that are insanely expensive to manage the pain and continual discomfort the screws were causing.
I did get an ear full today from my love, as usual I’m dreadfully independent. I’ve grown up or lived around significant others that wouldn’t help, told me I didn’t need help, or wanted me to wait for help that never came or worse would help me and tell me how handicapped I am and then let me know I’d be nothing without them. It’s not been safe to accept help. My lovely wife has been an amazing blessing with her support in our life our relationship, and with managing the progress of my surgical wound. Actually step back, driving me to hospital, two hours away, putting up with me being a total baby about medical procedures of any kind, buying me a teddy bear, I can’t remember the poor bears name. Putting up with me coming home and being sick from the anesthesia post op, some concerns we had with the wound and having to get the wound reassessed. Driving to the emergency then, waiting for some tape and a good measure of go home and suck it up buttercup, driving home. Then having me bitch and moan that I’m bored and want to do things. My darling wife is a Saint.
I will be working from home for a day or two to make sure that the wound is good and sealed up then back to the office, back in the saddle. I’m excited about my new chapter in life without a continual buzzing of pain. Pain caused by my own stupidity pride, and blatant lying about who and what I am, lying about being disabled about being blind. For the past few days being pain free has been, miraculous, glorious, amazing. Pain with a disability or because of a disability is in of itself debilitating. Actually no matter the cause, illness, grief, loss, lost love, whatever, the pain can be life altering and debilitating. I am blessed to be free of a major source of pain. I am back to managing the pain associated with being blind, which I’ve managed all my life, I think I’ll be fine. Thank goodness, thank God for a second chance.
About the Author: kyle
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