Blind Mistakes
Every now and then I make a mistake directly attributed to my disability. I still find to this day that my initial emotion is humiliation and a self loathing and emotional beating that would kill any mere mortal or a bull elephant. Its physical equivalent is like getting kicked very hard in the balls. You have no strength or energy you want to throw up and you need to just curl up and comfort yourself.
When I run into a post, fall off of a sidewalk or platform run into a door or destroy a door, I’m a BIG guy. Or more functional things when I don’t know where to go or what to do because I can’t see because of my disability. When I miss something in a message or misinterpret a message because I can’t read like a sighted person can. It sucks.
Yesterday I was traveling on business and I’d flown out to a location for the day. I had a great day there is a great team at this location. I tried to read my ternary and should have had and would have had more eyes on the ternary but travel logistics, which were my fault, where a nightmare. Thankfully I have a great assistant and a great wife to keep me out of trouble. Anyway my safeguards were unavailable and I missed my flight home because I’d misread the ternary.
I was mortified, I was ashamed, I felt so bad, I felt so useless, so handicapped. I can’t do anything I’m worthless I’m not deserving. I beat the stuffing out of me. Most of my life I’ve been around people who have rejected me have forcibly stopped me from attempting to come to terms with my disability. They took away my language of disability and they shamed me when I had issues in my life because of my disability, they told me I was nothing without them. They forced me to appear sighted and I believed for the longest time that if I didn’t try to appear not disabled I was bad. These voices still ring in my head.
The worst part and the part that makes me pity them and pray for them these people are saying these things to my kids and telling my kids that I’m bad and I won’t be there for them. People without values without morality without character. I think I was supposed to feel sorry for myself but I don’t generally I just want to work and I just want to live.
I am healing. I was better yesterday than I’ve ever been. My wife was wonderful she acknowledged my feelings talked to me about them and in her love and acknowledgement I could see how silly it was to let the elephant die. How silly it was to beat myself up. I was able to get to the place where I was able to forgive myself. Recognize my mistake for what it was, a mistake and move on.
I still hear the voices of my abusers and I still live with the impact of not seeing my children but I continually let my children know that I love them and that I’m here for them. I did make a later flight home.
Yesterday I was traveling on business and I’d flown out to a location for the day. I had a great day there is a great team at this location. I tried to read my ternary and should have had and would have had more eyes on the ternary but travel logistics, which were my fault, where a nightmare. Thankfully I have a great assistant and a great wife to keep me out of trouble. Anyway my safeguards were unavailable and I missed my flight home because I’d misread the ternary.
I was mortified, I was ashamed, I felt so bad, I felt so useless, so handicapped. I can’t do anything I’m worthless I’m not deserving. I beat the stuffing out of me. Most of my life I’ve been around people who have rejected me have forcibly stopped me from attempting to come to terms with my disability. They took away my language of disability and they shamed me when I had issues in my life because of my disability, they told me I was nothing without them. They forced me to appear sighted and I believed for the longest time that if I didn’t try to appear not disabled I was bad. These voices still ring in my head.
The worst part and the part that makes me pity them and pray for them these people are saying these things to my kids and telling my kids that I’m bad and I won’t be there for them. People without values without morality without character. I think I was supposed to feel sorry for myself but I don’t generally I just want to work and I just want to live.
I am healing. I was better yesterday than I’ve ever been. My wife was wonderful she acknowledged my feelings talked to me about them and in her love and acknowledgement I could see how silly it was to let the elephant die. How silly it was to beat myself up. I was able to get to the place where I was able to forgive myself. Recognize my mistake for what it was, a mistake and move on.
I still hear the voices of my abusers and I still live with the impact of not seeing my children but I continually let my children know that I love them and that I’m here for them. I did make a later flight home.
About the Author: kyle
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