Proving Yourself
Have you ever heard the statement that more is never enough. When I look around today. I see the marketing message to all of us and its really driven at making us unhappy or discontent with our current state. You need more to be loved accepted and have friends and if you don’t have it you’ll be lonely and worthless.
Personally I struggle all the time with feeling worthless, less than, not good enough. When I get frustrated or can’t do something because of my disability its very easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling not good enough.
It took literally four years of counseling for me to even be able to say the word “content”. I had contempt for the word “content” for ever. I thought anyone who was content isn’t alive or isn’t worth anything.
I have come to appreciate over the years that indeed more is never enough. When I’ve given all that I am, all that I have to something it turns out never to be enough. The question would ultimately come up, what’s next. I want more. My answer was I don’t have anymore. I have nothing personally, financially, professionally, physically, emotionally, spiritually to give. I have nothing left. I may have achieved a plateau but never have I achieved success. Always the question has come up what’s next? I’m standing with nothing left. I could have spent the time heads down and my eye’s are burnt out I could have worked myself into the hospital and it would still be what have you done for me lately?
Its an easy trap to fall into when you disabled you try and compensate to belong to be recognized to be considered normal. My heros have been people like Data off of Star Trek the Next Generation and Spoke from the original Star Trek series. People that were not human, or not quite human, or didn’t belong, and struggled with their isolation their uniqueness. They were both serious over achievers.
I too professionally I wouldn’t say I’m unmatched but I can not only compete with mere mortals but shine and excel. The problem is when I have done the cool thing, the impossible. I am left feeling empty and alone. I feel I’ve climbed to the top of Mt. Everest and no one cares.
I have had to learn to look inside to find my satisfaction my accomplishment my joy. If I am happy with what I’m doing and I can sleep at night with how I’ve done it then frankly the rest doesn’t matter. I’ve found with my professional career and personal life that no matter what I’m paid not matter what awards I win no matter what I achieve. If I can’t enjoy or recognize the achievement if its nothing to me then I’ve fallen into more is never enough.
I know I will never be mainstream I will never belong I will never fit in. I always will be different and apart. Overachieving, overcompensating won’t help. More is never enough. It won’t change that I am disabled, I’m not mainstream, and I likely won’t be popular or belong. But if I can recognize my accomplishments and be happy with them then maybe I can be content. Then if I’m content maybe I’ll feel that I do belong and fit in.
After all aren’t we all trying to find love and acceptance in the end? If were happy with ourselves maybe it makes the rest easier.
Just a thought.
It took literally four years of counseling for me to even be able to say the word “content”. I had contempt for the word “content” for ever. I thought anyone who was content isn’t alive or isn’t worth anything.
I have come to appreciate over the years that indeed more is never enough. When I’ve given all that I am, all that I have to something it turns out never to be enough. The question would ultimately come up, what’s next. I want more. My answer was I don’t have anymore. I have nothing personally, financially, professionally, physically, emotionally, spiritually to give. I have nothing left. I may have achieved a plateau but never have I achieved success. Always the question has come up what’s next? I’m standing with nothing left. I could have spent the time heads down and my eye’s are burnt out I could have worked myself into the hospital and it would still be what have you done for me lately?
Its an easy trap to fall into when you disabled you try and compensate to belong to be recognized to be considered normal. My heros have been people like Data off of Star Trek the Next Generation and Spoke from the original Star Trek series. People that were not human, or not quite human, or didn’t belong, and struggled with their isolation their uniqueness. They were both serious over achievers.
I too professionally I wouldn’t say I’m unmatched but I can not only compete with mere mortals but shine and excel. The problem is when I have done the cool thing, the impossible. I am left feeling empty and alone. I feel I’ve climbed to the top of Mt. Everest and no one cares.
I have had to learn to look inside to find my satisfaction my accomplishment my joy. If I am happy with what I’m doing and I can sleep at night with how I’ve done it then frankly the rest doesn’t matter. I’ve found with my professional career and personal life that no matter what I’m paid not matter what awards I win no matter what I achieve. If I can’t enjoy or recognize the achievement if its nothing to me then I’ve fallen into more is never enough.
I know I will never be mainstream I will never belong I will never fit in. I always will be different and apart. Overachieving, overcompensating won’t help. More is never enough. It won’t change that I am disabled, I’m not mainstream, and I likely won’t be popular or belong. But if I can recognize my accomplishments and be happy with them then maybe I can be content. Then if I’m content maybe I’ll feel that I do belong and fit in.
After all aren’t we all trying to find love and acceptance in the end? If were happy with ourselves maybe it makes the rest easier.
Just a thought.
About the Author: kyle
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