Im Still Here
Its been a long long time since I’ve posted anything on the blog. I’ve kind of lost my voice. I don’t know what to say. I had some weirdo provide some feedback on the blog and Its kind of taken the wind out of my sails.
The movie Milk provided some inspiration to write again. Near the end of the movie Harvey Mile said:
[Voice Over, Last lines] I ask this… If there should be an assassination, I would hope that five, ten, one hundred, a thousand would rise. I would like to see every gay lawyer, every gay architect come out – – If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door… And that’s all. I ask for the movement to continue. Because it’s not about personal gain, not about ego, not about power… it’s about the “us’s” out there. Not only gays, but the Blacks, the Asians, the disabled, the seniors, the us’s. Without hope, the us’s give up – I know you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you… You gotta give em’ hope… you gotta give em’ hope.
I have been living OUT as a blind person now for over a year. It is the hardest thing I do. Changing my life from living for other accommodating others hiding in the closet has cost so much. Its cost relationships with my parents my children other family friends. Its cost my professional career.
In the US I found that to get a job in this economic climate you need to have a “precision fit” for any position. You need to exactly fit and need to hit the ground running and productive. In any financial downturn the disabled or the accommodated are the first to go and the last to be rehired when things improved. If I’d stayed in the US I would still be unemployed.
It took a Canadian Government agency with a manager who has a in-law who is legally blind to hire me. I am so underemployed and bored that its not funny. I make clearly a 5th less than I used to or well for a long time. The work I have to do is at best pedestrian. I used to do and write things that impacted people on a global scale. Now my sandbox is very much smaller. These people say I don’t get it I don’t understand clearly they are right I don’t. Its hard to understand the naval lint on a flee on the hedge hog’s butt when you’ve been in the head of the hog.
I have lost my children due to the verbs “disappointment” and “judgment”. My parents have never been proud of me. I’ve had to hide my disability and when I do I’ve been able to have a relationship with them. When I don’t do exactly what my parents want they are disappointed. I am unworthy.
My children have latched onto this in a big way. My x-wife was never good enough to for my parents. Now that I am divorced my x-wife is suddenly tolerable. My children because of my parents open hatred of my x-wife and x-family feel that they are disappointing to me to my parents in life. It’s a tragedy. I have felt disappointing and judged disappoint most of my life. I have tried to accommodate for this by living up to others expectations and being something else.
My children know me as an accommodation to others so I am not disappointing. Now that I have started living for me started healing starting growing as a person so I can have something to give. I am alien to them. So much so a relationship at present isn’t possible.
Having a disability has impacted my whole life. Living openly out with my disability has cost me my family of origin my children my marriage my career everything. Not accommodating others and living for and taken care of me has caused a crisis for those around me who weren’t supportive of me and me having a disability.
When I was coming back to Canada with potentially one of my children I was tolerable to my parents. When my children decided not to come to Canada. Partially they didn’t want to feel judged by my parents and they have felt that the US is their home. I respect my children’s decision and point of view. I respect my children in making a choice. But since my children decided to stay I am now intolerable to my parents because I respect my children’s decision.
What is left. We’ll a lot actually I am lucky to have some aunts and uncles who are supportive and accepting. I am lucky to have some tremendous friends who I would consider family. I have a new wife that loves me and accepts me despite my disability and including my disability.
I don’t resent’ having to move from the US to Canada to get a job. I don’t’ resent the impacts to my relationships and my families. People are of an age to make decisions and they did. I don’t resent any of it. I am a happier person OUT as a blind person. I am for the first time in my life happy and content. Would I like some of these other people involved in my life. Absolutely. But they have chosen not to be and like anyone else I expect that if you can’t live with who and what I am then I suppose I am to be Judged as disappointing and unacceptable. But in the end that is only your opinion. I no longer give you the power to make me feel that way. I choose to be happy and content and OUT.
I write this for US
[Voice Over, Last lines] I ask this… If there should be an assassination, I would hope that five, ten, one hundred, a thousand would rise. I would like to see every gay lawyer, every gay architect come out – – If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door… And that’s all. I ask for the movement to continue. Because it’s not about personal gain, not about ego, not about power… it’s about the “us’s” out there. Not only gays, but the Blacks, the Asians, the disabled, the seniors, the us’s. Without hope, the us’s give up – I know you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you… You gotta give em’ hope… you gotta give em’ hope.
I have been living OUT as a blind person now for over a year. It is the hardest thing I do. Changing my life from living for other accommodating others hiding in the closet has cost so much. Its cost relationships with my parents my children other family friends. Its cost my professional career.
In the US I found that to get a job in this economic climate you need to have a “precision fit” for any position. You need to exactly fit and need to hit the ground running and productive. In any financial downturn the disabled or the accommodated are the first to go and the last to be rehired when things improved. If I’d stayed in the US I would still be unemployed.
It took a Canadian Government agency with a manager who has a in-law who is legally blind to hire me. I am so underemployed and bored that its not funny. I make clearly a 5th less than I used to or well for a long time. The work I have to do is at best pedestrian. I used to do and write things that impacted people on a global scale. Now my sandbox is very much smaller. These people say I don’t get it I don’t understand clearly they are right I don’t. Its hard to understand the naval lint on a flee on the hedge hog’s butt when you’ve been in the head of the hog.
I have lost my children due to the verbs “disappointment” and “judgment”. My parents have never been proud of me. I’ve had to hide my disability and when I do I’ve been able to have a relationship with them. When I don’t do exactly what my parents want they are disappointed. I am unworthy.
My children have latched onto this in a big way. My x-wife was never good enough to for my parents. Now that I am divorced my x-wife is suddenly tolerable. My children because of my parents open hatred of my x-wife and x-family feel that they are disappointing to me to my parents in life. It’s a tragedy. I have felt disappointing and judged disappoint most of my life. I have tried to accommodate for this by living up to others expectations and being something else.
My children know me as an accommodation to others so I am not disappointing. Now that I have started living for me started healing starting growing as a person so I can have something to give. I am alien to them. So much so a relationship at present isn’t possible.
Having a disability has impacted my whole life. Living openly out with my disability has cost me my family of origin my children my marriage my career everything. Not accommodating others and living for and taken care of me has caused a crisis for those around me who weren’t supportive of me and me having a disability.
When I was coming back to Canada with potentially one of my children I was tolerable to my parents. When my children decided not to come to Canada. Partially they didn’t want to feel judged by my parents and they have felt that the US is their home. I respect my children’s decision and point of view. I respect my children in making a choice. But since my children decided to stay I am now intolerable to my parents because I respect my children’s decision.
What is left. We’ll a lot actually I am lucky to have some aunts and uncles who are supportive and accepting. I am lucky to have some tremendous friends who I would consider family. I have a new wife that loves me and accepts me despite my disability and including my disability.
I don’t resent’ having to move from the US to Canada to get a job. I don’t’ resent the impacts to my relationships and my families. People are of an age to make decisions and they did. I don’t resent any of it. I am a happier person OUT as a blind person. I am for the first time in my life happy and content. Would I like some of these other people involved in my life. Absolutely. But they have chosen not to be and like anyone else I expect that if you can’t live with who and what I am then I suppose I am to be Judged as disappointing and unacceptable. But in the end that is only your opinion. I no longer give you the power to make me feel that way. I choose to be happy and content and OUT.
I write this for US
About the Author: kyle
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