Fear

I don’t like eye appointments generally as the drops used to dilate your pupils tend to ruin my whole day.     But the amount of effort and visual energy I had to use to get through the test was nasty.   I was exhausted after the first hour and one of the tests made me cry.    I am wearing a stick on prism on my lenses which helps a lot and I’m finally getting used to it.  I have learned its the biggest prism they make. I have major issues seeing somethings and other things are great.   The navigational issues of judging distances and side to side and up and down are very exciting.     I haven’t maimed any sighted people yet….
I am scheduled for surgery and I have to admit I am afraid. None of these fears are totally rational but are fears none the less.
I’m afraid of dying.   Every time you go under a general anesthetic there are opportunities for bad things to happen.   I have a friend who under a general anesthetic was totally paralyzed but could feel everything.    Another fear feeling pain during surgery.    Yikes.. Death in itself is very interesting I went to the doctor the other day as I wasn’t feeling great and ended up in hospital for the rest of the day. Death I know will come unannounced and unexpectantly but isn’t that the mystery of life?
I’m afraid of the surgery negatively impacting my sight.  I trumpet that I would never do anything to my eyes that could potentially negatively impact my vision.    My wife said to me the other day I thought you weren’t a fan of any kind of eye surgery.    I have to admit since I’ve already been through the Strabismus procedure I know what to expect.   I hope.   Fingers Crossed. I did end up with a double standard. I wouldn’t agree to have a procedure to replace glasses. I’ve heard too many stories of night vision impacts and other complications. That type of surgery I am likely never going to have done.
I’m unrealistically afraid of the surgery significantly improving my sight.   What on earth would I do if I wasn’t a blind person anymore.    All stupid I know and for those that can return or gain significant amounts of sight congratulations.    In my case this is totally unrealistic.    I will remain a blind man with improved functionality.   The doctor my wife and I actually had this discussion during my eye appointment. Apparently there are an expanding list of treatment options for eye conditions which is wonderful. My fear is always will my brain be able to deal with the data and how would sight change my life. I like who I am.. If I could see or suddenly drive I might not. I know a number of my choices have been made with consideration of my logistics then suddenly having to rethink it all. Not a pleasant prospect.
I’m afraid of going totally blind.  I can joke that I have most of the skills to work and live as a blind person but I have to be honest it would be a transition.     It ultimately would be simpler but a big change regardless.  I know it won’t happen I have total confidence in my surgeon.
I know all in all it sounds slightly irrational but I am human after all. I’ll keep you posted.