Angry
To be disabled, different, apart, marginalized, is frustration. Frustrated at the things that you can and can’t do, the person you might want to be, the job you might want to have, the mate you think you might want. The things that take longer or are impossible. Fear of being rejected, left behind, abandoned, or far far worse judged and punished. Anger at being different at being apart at being judged, Hated of the disability of ones’ self for being disabled of being unacceptable.
Frustration can easily lead to fear, fear to anger, anger to hate, then quoting Yoda “hate can lead to suffering”.
Disability can create many barriers to living. Integrating and living in a non disabled world is a lot of work and ultimately impossible. Living disabled openly requires being constantly honest with yourself on your limitations and acknowledgement of how your limitations effect your life.
Asking for help was one of the hardest things i’ve ever learned to do. I used to be militantly independent, blowing away anyone that had the audacity to want to help me. How dare they be-little me. How dare they assume I need their help.
Living openly with my disability is proving to be harder. I am now more than willing to ask for help. I am willing to disclose my disability. Living openly with my disability all the time is very hard. There are so many times I want to hide my disability and pretend that I can do it all. I can’t and really no one else can either. Our limitations be they disability, weakness, lack of character shine like new pennies on the sidewalk for all to see.
Its a constant struggle for me to accept my limitations working within what I can and can’t do. Its very painful and frustrating. I live with a constant fear that what I am and what I can do won’t be enough. I’m afraid. Afraid of not having friends love and family. Afraid of not having meaningful employment.
Disability has impacted my life in so many ways. I really don’t feel like I have family, I have family in and of my friends. The people that I”m related to not so much. I can’t walk the line of being the good disabled boy and being what they expect of me. Silent. I can’t be silent about my disability.
If I hide my disability than to many I am acceptable. I’ve lived that way for a long time. I couldn’t understand my feelings of frustration, or fear, or anger. I couldn’t understand why I hated or resented people and events, like family reunions. I couldn’t understand why I hated myself so much.
Living openly with my disability has changed all of the relationships in my life, terminating many. The strange thing is now I can live with myself. I am acceptable to me. Am I a social misfit outcast or militant? Perhaps. But I’m no longer a drama queen. I’m happy with who and what I am. The relationships with others that respect me, that will come.
Disability affects all of it. I can’t conform to what may or may not be expected of me. I can attempt to build a bridge or interface but I’m not a conformist. Its like living on the head of a pin. Finding out enough about yourself to understand your abilities being honest with yourself about those capabilities then getting on with it. When people who are not so dynamic come along. Its shall we say colorful. People that live in their safe little world and expect you to accommodate them don’t do well with me. I can’t accommodate them because my very existence. A blind man with a life career and out and about in the world active is very threatening, political, and some times I’m offensive.
I can be offensive all on my own with my sorbic whit let along being a living functional person with disability. I am supposed to be neatly packaged away in an institution somewhere. Not out and about living a life among those that call themselves “normal”.
It makes my angry.
Disability can create many barriers to living. Integrating and living in a non disabled world is a lot of work and ultimately impossible. Living disabled openly requires being constantly honest with yourself on your limitations and acknowledgement of how your limitations effect your life.
Asking for help was one of the hardest things i’ve ever learned to do. I used to be militantly independent, blowing away anyone that had the audacity to want to help me. How dare they be-little me. How dare they assume I need their help.
Living openly with my disability is proving to be harder. I am now more than willing to ask for help. I am willing to disclose my disability. Living openly with my disability all the time is very hard. There are so many times I want to hide my disability and pretend that I can do it all. I can’t and really no one else can either. Our limitations be they disability, weakness, lack of character shine like new pennies on the sidewalk for all to see.
Its a constant struggle for me to accept my limitations working within what I can and can’t do. Its very painful and frustrating. I live with a constant fear that what I am and what I can do won’t be enough. I’m afraid. Afraid of not having friends love and family. Afraid of not having meaningful employment.
Disability has impacted my life in so many ways. I really don’t feel like I have family, I have family in and of my friends. The people that I”m related to not so much. I can’t walk the line of being the good disabled boy and being what they expect of me. Silent. I can’t be silent about my disability.
If I hide my disability than to many I am acceptable. I’ve lived that way for a long time. I couldn’t understand my feelings of frustration, or fear, or anger. I couldn’t understand why I hated or resented people and events, like family reunions. I couldn’t understand why I hated myself so much.
Living openly with my disability has changed all of the relationships in my life, terminating many. The strange thing is now I can live with myself. I am acceptable to me. Am I a social misfit outcast or militant? Perhaps. But I’m no longer a drama queen. I’m happy with who and what I am. The relationships with others that respect me, that will come.
Disability affects all of it. I can’t conform to what may or may not be expected of me. I can attempt to build a bridge or interface but I’m not a conformist. Its like living on the head of a pin. Finding out enough about yourself to understand your abilities being honest with yourself about those capabilities then getting on with it. When people who are not so dynamic come along. Its shall we say colorful. People that live in their safe little world and expect you to accommodate them don’t do well with me. I can’t accommodate them because my very existence. A blind man with a life career and out and about in the world active is very threatening, political, and some times I’m offensive.
I can be offensive all on my own with my sorbic whit let along being a living functional person with disability. I am supposed to be neatly packaged away in an institution somewhere. Not out and about living a life among those that call themselves “normal”.
It makes my angry.
About the Author: kyle
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