By June 15, 2013 Read More →

Death of Vision

Grief is a regular thing with disability. When your walking in the middle of the road, just like a grape you will get squished occasionally. Or end up like road kill rodent burgers. Enough morbidity. It is very difficult having “residual” vision. Your capabilities are dynamic and sometimes they change for the worse. I’ve never had them change for the better yet. I have often said that being totally blind would be easier. Vision changes and capability changes can be devastating. I used to love to read books. I love books and recently I have lots all my capability to read unaided. It was very painful. I love coffee shops in bookstores and used bookstores the smell of books is awesome.

When you are partially sighted. To bitterly quote someone who recently indicated I wasn’t blind enough. When you have “residual vision”. You constantly have to be adapting to constantly changing capabilities. These capabilities will be impacted on a daily basis by many external and internal factors. Like lighting conditions, weather and your mood. If things change and they do. You grieve. I’ve talked with people “totals” who are totally blind their entire life. The totals think its easier than the “partials” or legally blind have it.
I grieve every time my capabilities change. Every time my adaptive systems can’t manage an experience or situation. When I walk into a light pole. I grieve. Driving, ah Driving. I grieve this one regularly. There are so many times during a day month year that I’d like to be able to drive. Its on-going.
The grief process is very straight forward. You get better at it too the more you recognize when its happening. Helps you manage the process and your behavior. When you grieving just like anyone else you can be grumpy or upset. Best to be more self aware and know why. The grief process is made up of a number of phases: Phase 1-Denial and Isolation, Phase 2-Anger, Phase 3-Bargaining, Phase 4-Depression, Phase 5-Acceptance.
Denial and Isolation
There really isn’t much denying it anymore. I am blind. The more open I am about my disability the freer I am in life. I am already isolated. I’m blind. I can’t see you and come and say hello but you can please do.
It happens this way though. I was going to go dancing with my pretty lady and I had an anxiety attack. I didn’t know it at the time but I was concerned about my physical safety. My lady and I need to take some dancing lessons and practice a bit. Need to get her signals down better. It will come. But my reaction was to run away, fight or flight, get me outta here.
Anger
All the time. Is so important to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and work to be at peace. It helps to know that anger is based on fear. Once I can figure out what I’m afraid of the more effective I am at managing the anger. There are lots of things to be afraid of, isolation, safety to name a couple.
When you don’t know what’s going on and you get suddenly angry its best to call it a day and go home and figure it out. Go for a walk. Take CARE OF YOU.
Bargaining
I have nothing to barter with. Sorry my renewed faith in god has helped this. Thank you Michelle for reintroducing me to God. We have forgiven each other, mostly.
Depression
Very common and can take many many forms. Sometimes I need to listen to loud music, sleep, read a book, watch a movie, drink a slurpie. But really its back to taking care of me. Recognizing the issue talking to a good friend or God about it. Go to church walk cycle go to the coffee shop. Then I’m good.
Depression is so very common. Get a great counsellor and see them as often as you need to. I’ve had people to help with depression for a long time. Read the taking care of you post when its out. Its my summary of my life’s learnings on taking care of the feelings that come from my disability. Depression included.
Acceptance
Not always easy. The older I am the easier it is to accept my disability. I am like many I want to be successful competitive. I want to make something of myself and find myself and my place in the universe. I’ve come to accept that all of those things are possible even with my disability. I’m not hiding it anymore. My dreams are now just up to me not me having to overcome or hide who and what I am.
I have written in other posts about change. You need to be able to talk about something openly plainly sometimes irrationally to understand it. Talking about something leads to understanding of the thing then acceptance. Once you accept a thing you are enabled to do something about it.
Its O.K. your allowed to feel. Remember “I Love I” and “I Forgive”.

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