By June 15, 2013 Read More →

Phoenix

I have learned from the Phoenix my entire life. As soon as I understood the concept of a being that would burn to ashes and be reborn I hung onto the pyridine. At first in the context of my disability then I took the philosophy to my entire life. When I was younger it happened much more often. I would develop a model of managing my disability and my life and it would survive or not. Most often not and the model would go up in flames and I would be reborn. As I’ve aged mellowed and matured the model is standing up to most tests and when it fails only parts, be they significant from time to time, burn up and are reborn not necessarily the entire model. Recently with the economic downturn my entire model was invalidated and I have had to come back from the ashes and be reborn.

During the last several years I have found myself divorced ended two significant partner relationships moved back to Canada, looked for, left, and lost employment; lost everything financially have disowned my family of origin and been disowned by my children and am now remarried.
I have to admit I’ve fallen into darkness I’ve fallen into fear. Who would want me, Who will employ me? What good am I? Just a small sampling of the questions that have burned my soul. I have fallen into darkness. I was afraid of loosing everything and I did lose everything. I was afraid I’d never find a new me a new life a new job happiness belonging etc. Then when I started to find these things I was afraid of loosing it all. I have learned some powerful and painful lessons of life.
I’ve learned to be a good man. being a good man doesn’t mean you live to please others and do things that make others happy. I have learned that to love others and make others happy you first must be happy. I have learned that I am not disappointing and I have left the contexts that have judged me so. I have learned that the world has changed and change is a constant and to live and love and be happy I have to change. Constantly.
Anger I’ve found can be a good and bad thing. Anger stems from fear and if you act out in anger its a bad thing. But I’ve also learned its not so bad to use the anger to work through the fear. As one gets older you realize more and more what matters truly and what doesn’t. I suspect that’s why generally as you get older its easier to deal with your demons to forget the pass and get to what’s important. As one realizes their own mortality and feel death as nearer and more real ones priorities shift dramatically.
As I’ve aged I find I have less and less tolerance for drama and for those who would use me to make themselves feel better. I have less tolerance for those that judge me harshly. I have less tolerance…. Is it less tolerance or really less time less energy less fear. I am still afraid of losing my happiness and my contentment but having just reinvented myself I know that no matter what I am in a better place and I am a good person.

Posted in: Disability & Blindness, Living

About the Author:

Comments are closed.