Suicide

I know more now about the genetics of my disability.  Thank you to my family for not talking about the subject.    Also thank you to my family about not talking about the driving issues.   My uncle has his drivers license because a cousin went and got it for him and they just changed the photo when the license came up for renewal.   My family was going to buy me a little car so I couldn’t cause much damage or moped or motorbike so I’d only kill myself if I had an accident.
I am still angry about the silence. My family you just about lost me as a teenager. Now you’ve lost me due to your silence about our disability. Your handicapping all of us and not positioning any of us for success. I direct my anger to enterprises of healing. I’m not going to lash out but I am going to disconnect from those who can’t let me be me, or think my existence somehow hurts them. Sorry I will never apologize for me and my disability.
I now know that I am desirable and that people do want to be with me and yes even procreate with me.  I’m not sure I’m up for little kids running around.  I don’t have that kind of energy anymore.  I am now married for the right reasons and loving it.
Hiding my disability just about killed me.    I was working building maintenance changing light bulbs cleaning etc. and was up the roof of a 25 story building standing on the edge thinking about jumping.    The thoughts that came to mind weren’t about anything else but the conversation I’d be having with those in the afterlife.   I didn’t think myself selfish about any potential impact for my family.   To be totally harsh in retrospect might have made life simpler for them.   I don’t know, and now I don’t care.     The thought that came to mind was that I’m worth it, I’m worth life.   I couldn’t describe it then but now I look back and I’m glad I didn’t jump.
I have to admit a bit of a hope of revenge on my family and girlfriend but then I thought, no, they’re not worth it either.     As I’ve learned in life and living the best revenge is living well.   I don’t dwell on any type of revenge or retribution to or for anyone.   It’s their problem not mine, god fate the universe will judge its not my place. I figure I’m my own judge anyway.   I now strive to live openly as who and what I am.  Blind disabled whatever you want to call it, as well as being, just me.   I strive to live well for me.    In living and living well, I hope to provide hope to others who are struggling and provide just a glimpse of “don’t give up”.   Life will work out.  Be patient Life will figure it out.  It usually does. I’m not going to judge you or condemn you. I’d much rather show you that your dreams are real and worth living and working for.
Here’s to living and living well.    Don’t lose your faith or your hope, the only one you’d hurt is yourself, and it’s not worth it.   Go and have some fun, your worth it..   Have Faith, Live Well.