What Is Justice

What is justice?  

I think about that a lot.    I divorced my kids’ mother and came out blind.   I didn’t kill anyone I didn’t sell drugs and I don’t run a chain of slaves.     I grew up and accepted who I was and lost everything I valued and loved.  

My career will likely never recover, I’m not the same person I was, and my drive and motivation are based in more positive pursuits than.   Anything you can do better, and I’ll do it myself.   The little Red Hen was my hero for a long time.   The drive to continually prove myself, no matter that I’m blind I can do anything you can do.   All in all, I did some very cool things.   Not that I’m not doing cool things now but.  I will likely not have the global exposure that I had.   I’m embarrassed still at how negative my drive in my career was, I hope that I can achieve greatness again but in love.    

There was a recent incident I must share.   Life will continually teach you.  A colleague whom I didn’t get a long with and whom I’d taken a long time to respect.  Disclosed that his heart isn’t doing good things, he might need a transplant.  He has a ten-year-old and fourteen-year-old daughter.   My view of this man had changed but…   I’m utterly humbled to learn the hard lesson or be reminded we all have a life to live an we all have our cross to bear.   He’s worried about the rapid decline in quality of life he is expecting an early death and prioritizing the time he has left.   Being a disabled man, I know what he’s talking about.  I live every day with a different quality of life and chronic pain and and.   But it’s not about me but I understand his pain and have a profound respect for this man.   Actually, have a different view on everyone we are all living a life that isn’t always kind.   I felt like those that had judged me so harshly and disowned me.  I’m going to be this man’s friend and walk with him in life.   I’m not my parents thankfully I’m Santa 😊

I was taught to be a good provider and I worked hard.  Trouble is when your blind you have to work harder and longer to accomplish the same thing.  You don’t have the energy to do the things you want to do with your kids outside of work.    I wish I had more time with my children.  Disability sucks its amazing what you miss when you can’t see.   I would have done anything to see the look on my children’s face when…..

Its my greatest sin marrying someone because I didn’t think anyone else would have me.    Horrific sin on my part and I profoundly apologize for not having the self-esteem to wait for someone I loved and who loved me.   

My parents wanted me to date and marry into a class of people that do not accept people who are disabled.   Every time I’ve tried to participate in that “group” of people I had to hide my disability.    I was renovated to try and look like a director at Microsoft.   I lost my hats, my guide dog, my white cane, everything that was necessary for me to function as a blind person.  Again, I was stupid to let that go.  One of my biggest regrets is a lady I dated for 5 years in my late teens and early twenties, who my parents wouldn’t accept.   She was from the wrong neighborhood the wrong side of the tracks.    I’m sorry I wasn’t more of a man and told my parents to butt out.

Anyway, I wonder what is justice?   

I have no avenue to connect or contact my children.    I haven’t had a conversation of any kind with my son in probably ten years.    My son, I love you so much.   It was so sad at a family funeral I seen my son but I couldn’t connect that person with the boy I knew.   I was very sad that there was nothing left, no connection.   He wouldn’t even talk to me.   

My daughter seems to be on some wild journey to find her answers, I hope its going better than when I seen her last.    Not sure why but my daughter reached out and we tried to connect.   Maybe she wanted to punish me who knows.   I wasn’t going to be an enabler for her journey to the bottom and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.   I doubt it will ever cross my daughters mind how much love it took to tell her to fly away and deal with her shit.

There was this horrific incident when my son was a toddler.   We were out in the country visiting family, we were walking into a building.   I was out in front and my toddler son was coming along.   A car appeared out of no where and was headed for my son.   I ran but was too far away.   It was horrific watching in slow motion as there was nothing I could do for my son.   Thank god someone else had seen him and was closer and fetched him out of danger.    I knew I was absolutely powerless to save him. 

I am powerless, I can’t think of anything to do that would be meaningful for either of my children.  

I am dead to them.    Is that Justice? 

Is it justice that my family have disowned me and expect me to apologize for me?   Actually, it might be way beyond that.   At this point their apology for their part in dismembering dissecting dismembering distracting me and my family might not be enough.    My family is so beyond understanding the carnage the pain they created the blood from their orgasmic hate they displayed burns still in my heart.   I can forgive it but its well beyond me to forget.   With luck god has something he can do.  So sadly, that ship has sailed.   I look for no reconciliation no connection with my family of origin.    We are all already dead to each other.   I breath a bit better not having such negativity in my life.   I can only be disgusting, embarrassing, disappointing for so long.    Growing up I was the devil, I’m sure I must have some redeeming qualities.    I’ve found a few things I like, and I don’t even mind the tail and horns.   

Is it Justice that I miss every life event that parents anguish and rejoice in with their children?    Not to share in achievements, graduations, major life decisions, a good argument or disagreement, I wonder is that justice?    Not to ever have a family gathering or meal, no Christmas, no birthdays no nothing.   I wonder.   

There were a lot of people who facilitated or participated in alienating children and father.   I’m am Darth Vader, the dark evil father.   But am I really?   I’m just a man trying to make his way through life.   A man dealing with a disability working to make a living and finding his way through middle age.   Abandoned and cast out of any family I ever knew.  

Is that justice?

I am alive and I’m happy with who I am and I’m healing and living more now then I ever have.   My wife Mrs. Santa Claus is loving amazing and just as crazy as I am.    We play Santa and Mrs. Claus at Christmas and joke that we must put on costumes for kids to love us.   We sleep with a barbarian hoard of teddy bears who talk to each other.  We sing cry and make teddy bears.   I’m sure that’s the Devils work or Darth Vader doing his thing, much more Santa, I think. 

There are many cultural references for shunning or casting out abandoning, disowning people who don’t align with your culture.    Being fired from a job fits too, I guess.    Well I’m the castaway and like Tom on his island I wait everyday to see what time and tide will bring to me.   I pray for my piece of a shitter that might act as a sail to get me to a place where I can tell my children how much I love them and miss them.    Ah what I wouldn’t give to have a Sunday dinner with these lost strangers and see what life has brought them.   I’d even wear my Santa suit if that would make me acceptable.   That would be heaven on earth for me.

Is that Justice?   I don’t know… who am I to judge?    But it is life…

I love you my children.