Anxious

Fear is such a profoundly negative force almost as powerful as death. I was having some energy and pace issues, way too much life. I was worried about my kids after the fire they had in which they lost everything. I worked with my daughter to help them get back on their feet and get reestablished. At the end of it my daughter told me, “Dad we wouldn’t have made it without you”. It was very nice to hear but the real joy was the opportunity to be a part of my daughters life again. I had the opportunity to reach out to my son with no luck. At the very least they both know that I am there for them, my daughter also said, “Dad I didn’t think you’d be there for us”. A shock really but when I thought about it not really, with the messaging from significant others who were in my life I can’t blame my children for thinking ill of me. The fire really was a purging of the past eliminating anything that anyone was hanging on to from the failed marriage and that time in life. Not to try and sound totally horrible I was surprised how much of a release I felt with the destruction of all that was left from that failed life. I pray everyday to have some connection with my children, we’ll continue to wait and see what happens.

A number of my good friends in the Seattle area wanted me to come back to Seattle immediately. I looked into an immediate return to the area and I talked about it with my wife, my daughter, my minister, my friends, at the end of the day it doesn’t make sense. My minister put it best by contextualizing a reintroduction into my children’s lives by saying that it will take time, and frankly an immediate return to Seattle will very likely not make things better and could make things worse. So patience is the best approach and allowing things to settle out as they may. I’m praying and working on being ready in case things change.

At the same time I started yet another new job. My fourth since being back in Canada I have to say to date my synergies with the employment market here has been abysmal. I can report that the new gig is going well. After the first month I can honestly say that I still am liking the role the work and the people. The people here are tremendous and its very refreshing to be working in an environment that has to do with making peoples’ lives better, its wonderful that my work has meaning. I’ve had a ton of anxiety and fear over being able to keep the job. Professional ability and capability I’m not worried about. Being disabled and being integrated into a work culture is my biggest fear. Managing my fear has been a full time job all on its own. I can report that I am having positive professional impact and one contractor has already tired to have me fired, so professionally all is good. Our accommodation arrangement was interesting. I accommodated myself for most of the first month and in the end we are sharing the accommodation of my adaptive technologies to support me in the new role. My employer is buying me a big monitor, I’m using my own computer, applications, keyboard, mouse, scanner, and chair. Its an interesting balance on accommodation I hadn’t though of before so far its working. This job is my last stand in Calgary, Alberta / Canada, I’ve had it here and when this job ends good or bad my wife and i are on our way to almost anywhere else.

My wife and I still need to get out of Calgary every now and then about once every month and a half we “have” to spend at least a weekend away somewhere else not Calgary. I can’t believe these people with their total lack of empathy, understanding, or consideration. Walking or driving they come up behind you, cut you off, move to get in front of you just to get off, step over the white cane, kick the cane, push the which cane, its just offensive and obscene. We’ve given up really we just step back slow down and watch. I used to wonder if I was sent here to teach but I’m not convinced this culture is ready for a change of any kind. I pity them in Calgary what will they do when there is no more oil? Not my problem. The thing that is bothering me and I’m working on writing about it is the removal of myself from Calgary. The self Isolation, the avoidance, the scheduling around busy times, the elimination of issues by not participating at all or only participating at a time and location of my choosing. An adaptive technique to be sure but one I want to be careful with as not to pull myself out of the mainstream just because the mainstream is scared of me.

On the recent long weekend my wife and I went to Banff and Canmore and did a few things neither of us had done before. We went on a ice hike, you strap on cleats to your boots which allow you to walk in the hard packed snow and ice, we walked up Johnston’s Canyon. The next day we went snow shoeing, very fun, very bizarre to be walking on top of snow. Snow shoeing isn’t without its dangers you have to always be aware of where your walking lest you fall through some ice and end up in water. I had some adjustments to make as with all new things but having hiking poles and following my wife made things possible, safe and fun. The tour operator we arranged the experiences with was, AWESOME, they took very good care of me and my needs out in the wilderness. We had a great time and hope to do both activities again as soon as possible. If your off to Canmore book your restaurants at least two weeks in advance, there is some very avant guard culinary opportunities to be experienced, and planning is a must.

I haven’t been writing recently as you can see there’s been a lot on the go with my life. A colleague at my new work postulated that my blog was just a bitching and moaning vehicle. Although there is some bitching and moaning, and occasionally griping I like to think that if not at least humorous that the blog provides something to think about. Thankfully I’ve had some significantly positive feedback recently as well reinforcing the fact that I am reaching my audiences and having an impact even if its just something to think about. I am a very retrospective person and I still have things to say and I’ll keep saying them. I as always hope you find things that are useful to you in all of these posts. I am always glad to hear when you do find something that is of use to you.

I am working on getting my fear managed, I’m so tired of living scared and in doing so further reducing drama in my life. Slow and steady and one day at a time, it will all come together. I am still here.

About the Author:

Kyle has ocular albinism and has been legally blind since birth. Kyle leads a very active live and is besides his professional career involved in many projects for persons who are different.

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