Going to the Slaughter House

In life there are many things we don’t want to do. Would avoid if we could, postpone as long as we can. I’ve added to my blindness a debilitating back problem. In my travels I ripped a hole in one of my disks in my spin. It hurts a lot and two to three times a year I’m getting an epidural injection to take care of it. I’m still a suck for the procedure.
The pain is one thing and being in constant pain is very hard. Pain clouds so many thing that you wish it didn’t. There are a few theories as to when I tore the disk but the likely two are a cycling accident I had about twenty years ago the other is all the moving I’ve done in the past few years finding my place in geography and relationships. I know the whole thing is exasperated by my bad posture. I’ve developed some very bad habits being blind. Trying to see as much as you possibly can see is a lot of work and takes its tole on your body. My bad typing position from using computers my slouching to strain to see when I wasn’t using the white cane have all caused much havoc with my back.
Regardless of the cause I look back on my life and wonder how much impact pain has had on my world. I know for certainty that pain ended one of my relationships or was a contributing factor or excuse in ending the relationship. I have to wonder how much of the drama in my life was to medicate the pain. When your life is in turmoil its very easy to ignore the pain. When your life is stable and at peace pain is very hard to ignore. I’m not sure if they can surgically fix my back or not. I’m not sure I want to roll the dice on a procedure to my spin. I’ve seen a lot that haven’t worked out so well, some that have and some that have been indifferent.
I’m reading this book on pain management and incorporating pain and its management in your life. I am very surprised to say the least how well this book describes the state of being disabled. How you need to incorporate the management of you pain or disability in your life. Be honest with your capabilities and from that be able to do more. I’ll definitely be writing about this book as its provided me with more language.
Back to my back. The procedure sucks. Its hard to get up and go to it and its one of those things they do with little medication to mask the pain. They need you in pain to get it right. The kind of pain they put you in while doing it is amazing, not the good amazing either. So to fix it or remediate it I need to reverse my course of becoming the same old fat bastard I was and get back to being just a bastard. I need to loose some weight and strengthen my core and see where that leaves me. Hopefully with fewer shots and improved health in general. This time however I’m going to take it slow and steady so at the end of it I wind up in a place that is sustainable.