Embarassed

I get crazy embarrassed when I mess up because of my vision. It really has an impact on me. When I make a “visual” error It affects my self esteem my intelligence everything. I turn to mush. I punish myself. I shouldn’t but I do. I have to generally stop what I’m doing reset and start over, or worse but most of the time, come back another day. There are times when I won’t come back at all.

In my new gig I have a business development responsibility. I was meeting a fellow for lunch and I went into the wrong restaurant. Really got me down. I was beating myself up. I was breathing a lot t get through it and doing the “I Love” and “I Forgive I” I learned from “ A Course In Miracles”, things were stabilizing. The lunch meeting went mostly well but the contact said this is what always happens when I get frazzled. Nice. How to kick a guy when he’s already down. I also took issue to the comment regardless.

I find in an experience if its new and I have no context I’ll burn myself down. If I can’t handle it and I don’t know how to function or know what to do. I end up feeling really unsafe. Then I get mad or I run. I have tried most of my adult life to do it better but this is still a real weakness for me.

My self image my self esteem is built on being exceptionally smart exceptionally quick thinking being able to do the impossible. I am working on modification of this self image as this isn’t entirely healthy. It has driven behaviors in feeling like I constantly have to prove myself despite myself, being blind. Which is not a good thing. I am working towards a much more balanced model of being content with myself of recognizing and focusing on my strengths and managing my weaknesses best I can. My blindness is not my weakness. My unrealistic expectations of myself being blind and competing against sighted people is my, handicap, weakness.

I have a tendency when things in my life go badly to blame everything on my eyes.   I am a very introspective person, when something isn’t turning out I will look internally before I begin to look externally.    Makes for some strange behaviors.   It also means that historically I will stay in a context of work or relationship longer than i should or is healthy. It has taken me forty plus years to realize that being a good man doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice who and what I am for a means or and end; but I have to standup for who and what I am to achieve a means or an end. When something is over a relationship a job a friendship I grieve from the inside out.    During the process I look and see if my attitudes experiences  behaviors capabilities or disability are impacting the situation.

It has taken me most of my life to realize that no matter what people do to me or think they are doing to me to punish me for not doing what they think I should do or what they want me to do that I am none the less a good man I am a good man. I’ve learned finally to believe In myself.

Posted in: Living
Kyle Bergum

About the Author:

Kyle has ocular albinism and has been legally blind since birth. Kyle leads a very active live and is besides his professional career involved in many projects for persons who are different.

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